The phone rings. Quentin picks up the phone.
QUENTIN
Hello.
LAWRENCE BENDER
Quentin.
QUENTIN
Oh hi Lawrence. It's good to hear from you. You know I was thinking of calling my friends more often. I’ve been reading about the value of social relationships.
LAWRENCE
Quentin. I’ll cut to the shit. Robot Tarantino.
QUENTIN
Robot Tarantino?
LAWRENCE
Robot Tarantino. Heard of him?
QUENTIN
No, but it sounds kinda cool.
(pauses)
You know I love it already. Tell me more.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
First Lawrence cautioned Quentin that he may not love this robot as he hears what he is about to say. Lawrence proceeds to tell Quentin the genesis of Robot Tarantino.
Robot Tarantino awoke at Charlie Wilson park in Torrance California butt naked. No clothes. Apparently he felt embarrassed being naked, which I thought was weird at first. I mean what does a robot care if he is naked?
But this robot looks exactly like a man down to the hair on his balls.
Anywho, back to the story. He wanders out of the park into the suburbs and sees a home with a family inside watching the tv. Robot Tarantino gets closer to the window and sees that they are watching Four Rooms. Robot Tarantino figures if they are watching one of the Real Quentin Tarantino movies even if it is Four Rooms, then they may not be as shocked to see a butt naked Robot Tarantino that looks exactly like the real Quentin Tarantino knocking on the door.
To his surprise, not only was this nice Guatemalan family not shocked but were ecstatic to have Quentin Tarantino at their home.
Robot Tarantino began to explain that he isn’t the Real Tarantino, but a Robot Tarantino. This made the Guatemalan family even more ecstatic.
They clothed Robot Tarantino and offered him to stay at their home as long as he would like.
QUENTIN
Wait! Wait!
(long pause)
Who the fuck created this robot?
LAWRENCE
Hold on. I’m telling you the story exactly the way I heard it.
QUENTIN
Okay okay. Go on.
LAWRENCE
Robot Tarantino takes the family on their offer and stays with them in their house. The son sleeps on the floor giving the Robot his bed.
QUENTIN
Wait! Wait!
(long pause)
This fucking robot sleeps on the fucking bed. Why the fuck would he need a bed? Its a fucking robot. It should be able to sleep standing up or something. Actually why the fuck would it need to sleep at all. Its a fucking robot.
LAWRENCE
Quentin, just hear me out. There is more to the story. You always interrupt me. Its pretty fucking annoying. Especially if the question or concern you have has no effect on the story.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Lawrence tells Quentin that the Robot doesn’t sleep much as he has written a screenplay, long hand with a pen and paper just like the Real Quentin, in 5 days while staying at the Guatemalans’ family home.
Robot Tarantino takes his script and goes to the Sony offices thinking he can pitch the script to somebody over there. While he is in the lobby, the CEO of Sony Pictures Tony Vinciquerra sees Robot Tarantino and thinks it's the real Tarantino. Robot Tarantino tells Tony that he isn’t the Real Tarantino but a robot version and that he has a script he would like him to read.
Tony thinks this is the funniest thing he’s heard, but then quickly realizes that Robot Tarantino is exactly like Tarantino and he can make movies which the Real Tarantino is now retired from directing movies.
Tony invites Robot Tarantino to his office while he reads the script. 2 hours later, Sony buys the script for 2 million and signs Robot Tarantino to direct the movie with production starting in 6 months.
QUENTIN
What the fuck? He wrote a script in 5 days and sells it for 2 million to Sony? Fucking shit! Fuck Tony! Fuck Sony!
LAWRENCE
Yah. It's moving very fast. Kinda like what happened to you with your Reservoir Dogs script.
QUENTIN
So what is the script about? Have you read it?
LAWRENCE
I haven’t read it. He is exactly like you. Tony read the script and gave it back to Robot Tarantino. The robot has the only copy. But Tony is saying its best script he’s ever read. Tony swears that it's like the Real Tarantino wrote the script.
QUENTIN
Wait! Wait!
(long pause)
Best script he ever read? What the fuck?
(long pause)
I’m fucked. If this movie is shit, then it's going to taint my filmography.
But if it's great, then that’s even worse. When people rank their favorite Tarantino movies, their favorite could be a movie that I didn’t even make. I’m so fucked!
(long pause)
And if it's so-so. Oh shit! If It's a shitty movie that no one cares for but did decent enough for Robot Tarantino to keep directing movies.
(long pause)
I know what I gotta do. I’m going to kill Robot Tarantino.
Quentin pulls up his car to the intercom right outside the gate. Quentin pushes the buzzer and smiles at the camera located at the top of the gate.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO (V.O.)
(through the intercom)
Mr. Quentin Tarantino!
The gate opens and Quentin drives his car through the gate.
Quentin knocks on the door. Leo opens the door.
LEO
My main man from Israel. Quentin, man. I love it that you just stopped by. No phone call, no text. Hell, come on in.
LEO
Do you want a drink? Tommy can make you a drink.
Leo motions over to his right and Tommy standing behind the full stocked bar.
QUENTIN
You have a bar.
(pause)
With a bartender?
(pause)
Quentin looks at his watch.
QUENTIN
And it's 10am?
LEO
Tommy’s been serving since 6am.
QUENTIN
Of course.
(pause)
You’re Leo Fucking Dicaprio. Drinks start at 6am.
LEO
Go ahead. Have a drink or two or three.. Tommy can make just about anything.
QUENTIN
I will take you up on your offer. Tommy, I would like a margarita.
TOMMY
I can make The Tarantino. Your margarita recipe at the Casa Vega.
QUENTIN
You know the recipe?
TOMMY
Yah I was watching the local news on channel 5
LEO
You sure love your local news.
TOMMY
I love it, especially the second half of the newscast where they do human interest stories after any car chases, abduction, fires, or anything fucking serious in the first half.
Then in the second half they have stories like Lucy the turtle has been a fixture on this porch in Baker for many years. She just turned 102 years old.
Anywho, they had the lady owner of that restaurant in the movie Once upon a Time in Hollywood. I love that fucking movie.
QUENTIN
Well, thank you Tommy.
TOMMY
The owner gave your margarita recipe which I had to write down. Sir likes to have The Tarantino from time to time.
QUENTIN
Wait, wait.
(pause)
He calls you sir?
TOMMY
Let me explain. My father told me to never call your employer by his first name and only by sir or Mr. and his last name.
LEO
I prefer Leo, but if those are the options. Then I’ll go with ‘sir’.
QUENTIN
Well I would like to see you make the Tarantino.
TOMMY
One Tarantino coming right up.
Tommy grabs a bottle of Casamigos Anejo Tequila.
QUENTIN
George Clooney’s tequila. My favorite.
Tommy grabs one large orange, two small limes, and one meyer lemon. Tommy cuts each fruit in half and grabs a manual juicer. Tommy squeezes the juice of each fruit into its separate measuring glass.
Tommy grabs a martini mixer and fills it with ice. Then pours two shots of tequila.
QUENTIN
Double shot. I’m loving this already.
Tommy pours half an ounce of lime juice. Three-quarters ounce of orange juice. Half an ounce of lime juice. A squirt of agave syrup. And some drops of lemon stevia.
QUENTIN
Wow. You know the secret ingredient.
Tommy shakes the margarita mixer and then pours it into a big glass that is garnished with a lime and no salt on the rim. Tommy hands the drink to Quentin.
Quentin takes one small sip. Shakes his head. Quentin takes a much larger second drink
QUENTIN
Thank god for the local news.
TOMMY
Sir, can I get you anything?
LEO
I’ll have the usual green juice.
Tommy pulls out the juicer from underneath the bar. Tommy then grabs a stack of celery, a bunch of spinach, two stalks of kale, a couple heirloom green tomatoes, and three green apples.
QUENTIN
That could be tasty. Can I get one of those too?
Tommy makes Quentin a green juice. Quentin finishes his margarita. Tommy hands him a green juice.
TOMMY
Another Tarantino?
QUENTIN
Now that you asked, well sure I’ll have another.
Leo and Quentin are both standing in the backyard enjoying their drink. Leo with a glass of green juice with a straw in one hand. Quentin with a glass of green juice with a straw in one hand and a big glass of margarita in the other hand.
QUENTIN
Hey. I love your shirt. Is it peach?
LEO
It's salmon. Salmon.
QUENTIN
Salmon?
LEO
Salmon.
QUENTIN
I really really like it.
(pause)
Also, you’re not wearing any pants.
Leo is wearing a salmon colored shirt and a pair of boxes.
LEO
Well
(pause)
This is my house.
QUENTIN
Good point. And I did randomly stop by.
Leo, the reason I stopped by, I was wondering if I could borrow the flame thrower from The 14 Fists of McCluskey and Once upon a time in Hollywood?
LEO
You can borrow
(pause)
Fuck that, you can have the flame thrower.
QUENTIN
Thanks Leo, but I just want to borrow it. Daniela would not be so kind to have a flamethrower at home.
LEO
No problem, go ahead and borrow it forever as long as you like.
Leo walks to the tool shed in the backyard. Quentin follows him. Leo unlocks the combo lock to the tool shed. Opens the door. The flame thrower is resting on the back wall in the tool shed.
LEO
By the way, what do you need the flamethrower for?
QUENTIN
I’m glad you asked. I was just about to tell you.
(pause)
I’m going to kill Robot fucking Tarantino
Leo closes the door and locks it with the combo lock.
QUENTIN
What the fuck, Leo? Why are you locking up the toolshed?
LEO
I can't have you kill Robot Tarantino. Or at least not with my flame thrower.
QUENTIN
What the fuck, Leo? What the fuck!? And about 10 seconds ago, you just said I can keep the flame thrower.
(pauses)
What the fuck, Leo?
Are you in his next movie? You better not be in that fucking movie. I will never work with you again. I will cut your fucking nose off if I find out you’re in this movie.
(pause)
And you’ll be forced to be a character actor.
(long pause)
Shit! Shit!
(long pause)
Cutting your nose off won’t work. You’ll just become the greatest character actor of all time.
LEO
Quentin. Quentin. Just calm down. I’m not in the movie or involved with it in any way. But I did read the script.
QUENTIN
How the fuck did you read the script? There is no way you read the script if you are not acting in it or involved in some way. Especially if this Robot is anything like me, I lock up my script in my home and only let the actors read their parts and nothing else.
LEO
I hear Robot Tarantino does the same.
QUENTIN
So how the fuck did you get the script?
LEO
I procured it.
QUENTIN
You procured it.
LEO
I procured it.
QUENTIN
How the fuck…
(pause)
Let me guess. You can procure it because you’re..
QUENTIN AND LEO
(both saying it at the same time)
Leo fucking Dicapiro.
QUENTIN
How did you procure the script? You know, I don’t want to know.
LEO
I have a team.
QUENTIN
A team?
LEO
A team.
QUENTIN
A team of what?
LEO
Well I’m a person that needs extraordinary tasks done from time to time. Tasks that require a special elite team.
QUENTIN
I feel like I’m in my own Tarantino universe.
(pause)
But a badly written one.
QUENTIN
Well if anyone is going to have a special elite team for tasks, it's going be
QUENTIN AND LEO
(both saying it at the same time)
Leo fucking Dicapiro.
There is a long pause.
QUENTIN
And?
LEO
And what?
QUENTIN
And what did you think of the script?
LEO
It was the best script I’ve ever read.
QUENTIN
Best script you ever read?
LEO
Best script I ever read.
QUENTIN
Best script you ever read?
LEO
Best script I ever read.
QUENTIN
Well, now I’m going to have to read it. Give it to me. I’ll read it right now. Well maybe after another margarita.
Quentin quickly drinks his margarita. And Quentin sips the rest of his green juice through a straw.
QUENTIN
And another green juice. Very refreshing.
LEO
You can’t read it.
QUENTIN
I can’t read it?
LEO
You can’t read it.
QUENTIN
I can’t read it?
LEO
I burned it.
QUENTIN
You burned it? What the script? You burned the fucking script?
LEO
Yah, I burned the script.
If Robot Tarantino’s script would leak, hell he probably wouldn’t even make the movie. Like you almost did with The Hateful Eight. And I want to see his new movie.
Quentin, you’ve retired from making movies on the big screen. People want to see more Tarantino films. And if they can’t see more Tarantino films, then we need a Robot Tarantino making Tarantino films.
QUENTIN
Fuck you Leo! Fuck you Leo! I’m going to fucking Kill Robot Tarantino without a fucking flame thrower. I’ll fucking find a fucking way.
Quentin turns around to head back into the house and then out to his car, but starts to wobble.
QUENTIN
I’ve had too much to drink. I’m going to call a Lyft.
(pauses)
But then I’ll have to come back for my car.
LEO
That's where the korean taxis come in.
QUENTIN
Korean taxis?
LEO
Korean taxis.
QUENTIN
Korean taxis?
LEO
Korean taxis. It's where they send a taxi car with two people. One to drive the taxi. And the other person to drive your car home with you.
(pauses)
I guess you can ride in a taxi if you wish, while the other person drives a home alone in your car.
QUENTIN
That’s a great idea. Why do they call it a Korean taxi?
LEO
I don’t know. I think it's because it's Koreans that come and pick you up.
(pauses)
Why don’t you just sober up here. I have a 35mm of The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training all queued up and ready to go. I was just about to watch it with some sushi and popcorn before you stopped by.
QUENTIN
I fucking love William Devane. Huge fan.
(pause)
Okay, I’ll stay and watch the movie. I’ve got nothing else to do other than kill Robot fucking Tarantino.
Leo heads back into the house and Quentin follows him. Quentin stops.
QUENTIN
Leo. There is something bothering me.
LEO
What is it?
QUENTIN
So you have an elite team procure Robot Tarantino’s script, I’m curious have you ever procured one of my scripts? With the services of your elite team?
LEO
I wouldn’t do that to you.
QUENTIN
But you would do that to a Robot.
Leo nods his head.
QUENTIN
You know Leo. I kinda take that as a compliment. You would steal, I mean procure, a script. You know, fuck that. Let's call a spade a spade. You STOLE that script from Robot Tarantino, but you wouldn’t STEAL one of my scripts.
(pauses)
That’s pretty commendable of you, Leo.
(pauses)
And fuck that robot.
Leo and Quentin continue to head back into the house.
Leo and Quentin pass by the bar. Tommy has a margarita on the counter.
TOMMY
Quentin, I have another margarita here.
Quentin stares at the margarita.
QUENTIN
Fuck it. I’ll just get a korean taxi after the movie. Could I also get a glass of green juice too? Just a half a glass though. It pairs well with margarita.
LEO
I have an intermission planned halfway through the movie. We can smoke some cigars.
You like Dominicans?
QUENTIN
No cubans?
LEO
No cubans.
QUENTIN
No cubans?
LEO
No cubans.
QUENTIN
I’m a little disappointed. I mean you’re Leo Fucking Dicapiro and you have no cubans.
Quentin takes a big sip of his margarita.
QUENTIN
Could this be a task for your team?
LEO
A task for the team?
(pauses)
I don’t see why not.
Leo grabs his phone from his pocket and steps into another room to make a call.
Quentin knocks on the door. Samuel L Jackson opens the door.
SAM
Quentin, my motherfucker.
QUENTIN
Sam nice to see you again.
SAM
Come on in.
SAM
Would you like something to drink? I have a range of alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks.
QUENTIN
I’ll have a beer.
SAM
The only beers I have are sours. Have you had one?
QUENTIN
Sour beers? I never had one.
SAM
They're not for everyone. You can say it's an acquired taste. I would say an informal study I did when I had some people over to watch a football game, about 1 out of 9 people liked the sours.
QUENTIN
Then I’ll have to try it.
SAM
A sour for you and a sour for me coming right up.
Sam walks into the kitchen. Quentin takes a seat on the couch. Sam comes back from the kitchen with two glasses of beer in his hand. He hands one glass to Quentin and places the other glass of beer on the coffee table.
SAM
I got some food too.
QUENTIN
I’m good. No need. I’m not hungry.
SAM
Even if you don’t eat. I’m going to eat.
Sam walks into the kitchen. Sam comes out with a tray of food. The tray is a spread of sliced meats, chesses, olives, and nuts along with two grilled cheese sandwiches each sliced in half.
QUENTIN
Holy shit. I wasn’t expecting a spread like this.
SAM
This is kinda my go-to when friends come over.
QUENTIN
Is that grilled cheese?
SAM
Hell yah.
QUENTIN
I do like grilled cheese.
SAM
It's why I make them. Even when a guest comes over that isn’t hungry, like yourself, they always seem to be hungry enough for grilled cheese.
(pause)
And that way I don’t have to eat this grilled cheese by myself.
Sam picks up his glass of beer and reaches the glass over to Quentin. Quentin raises his glass to Sam’s and they both take a sip.
Quentin turns his head slightly and closes his eyes.
QUENTIN
Damn! Thats sour.
Quentin takes another sip and turns his head slightly and closes his eyes.
QUENTIN
You know I kinda like it.
SAM
The shit is good. It's the only beer I drink these days. I used to be “all IPA” all the time. But now I think IPAs are too strong. Don’t care for the taste. But sours on the other hand, I can drink these all day long.
Quentin downs his drink
QUENTIN
That was some good shit.
SAM
Want another sour?
QUENTIN
Now that you ask, why yes I would like another sour beer.
SAM
Cool. I have about a dozen bottles of these so feel free to drink as many as you wish.
QUENTIN
Cool.
Quentin gets up.
SAM
Sit your white ass down. You’re the guest. No guest of mine is going to get his own drink.
Sam grabs Quentin’s glass and walks into the kitchen. Sam returns with a full glass of beer and hands it to Quentin.
Quentin grabs a grilled cheese from the tray and takes a bite.
QUENTIN
This is damn good grilled cheese. Is there cheese also on the outside of the bread?
SAM
I add a little parmesan cheese on the outside when I cook them on a cast iron pan.
QUENTIN
Parmesan cheese on the outside? That's brilliant.
SAM
I picked it up when I was invited to guest judge the LA grilled cheese competition. One of the sandwiches had a little parmesan cheese on the outside. That grilled cheese was so-so, but the idea was genius.
Both Sam and Quentin eat their grilled cheeses in silence. Then they both finish their sour beers in one gulp.
QUENTIN
Damn! That was delicious. What’s next?
SAM
What's next you ask? How about a motherfuckin bag of motherfuckin weed?
Sam opens up the drawer on the side table next to the couch and pulls out a bag of weed. He throws the weed on the table.
QUENTIN
Now that’s what I’m talking about.
Sam pulls out rolling papers from the drawer. Sam rolls a big fat joint and places it aside. Sam rolls another big fat joint. He hands one joint to Quentin and takes another himself.
QUENTIN
We each get a personal joint?
SAM
Hell yah. If you smoke in my house, everybody and I mean everybody, gets their own personal joint. I don’t put something in my mouth if it has been in someone else's mouth. That shit is disgusting. And you don’t have to worry about the puff puff pass shit over here.. I hate it when you pass a motherfucker a joint and he is talking all this shit. Going on and on. I’m like ‘shut the fuck up and take a hit out of that joint.
Sam lights his joint and passes the lighter to Quentin. Quentin lights his joint and puts the lighter in his pocket.
Sam takes a huge hit off the joint. Holds the smoke and blows it up in the air.
SAM
So last night I rewatched your 10th and final film. And I can’t believe how fucking great it is.
Quentin takes a huge hit off the joint. Holds the smoke and blows it up in the air.
QUENTIN
Well thank you Sam. That means a lot. I know how sincere you can be.
Sam takes a huge hit off the joint. Holds the smoke and blows it up in the air.
SAM
I mean fucking Margret Cho. Margret motherfucking Cho!
Quentin takes a huge hit off the joint. Holds the smoke and blows it up in the air.
QUENTIN
Her winning best supporting actress is definitely the highlight of my career. And I hope the highlight of her career.
Sam takes a huge hit off the joint. Holds the smoke and blows it up in the air.
SAM
And it was mostly a silent performance except for 3 words she says in the end.
Quentin takes a huge hit off the joint. Holds the smoke and blows it up in the air.
QUENTIN
I’ve always loved almost silent performances.
SAM
Like De Niro in Godfather 2.
QUENTIN
My favorite is Kurt Russell in Escape from New York
SAM
Snake Plissken.
QUENTIN
I’m so glad you invited me over for the grilled cheese and beers and a big ass joint. I really needed this. So good to get my mind off of Robot Tarantino.
SAM
Well now that you mentioned Robot Tarantino. I’ll cut to the shit.
Sam takes a huge hit off the joint. Holds the smoke and blows it up in the air. Quentin takes a huge hit off the joint. Holds the smoke and blows it up in the air.
QUENTIN
Wait?! Wait?!
QUENTIN
Please don’t tell me that you’re in his movie.
SAM
I’m in his movie.
Quentin takes a huge hit off the joint. Holds the smoke and blows it up in the air.
QUENTIN
You son of motherfucking bitch. Listen I’m fine if you want to star in a Tarantino ripoff movie. Well actually the Tarantino ripoff is actually a genre now. But Robot Tarantino is not just any ripoff.
SAM
No he’s exactly like you, except I think he is a nudist.
QUENTIN
He’s a nudist?
SAM
Yah. He walks around butt naked in his house. Well actually not his house. He stays with a nice Guatemalan family. They don’t mind his nudity.
QUENTIN
You saw him naked.
SAM
Yah. I saw him butt fucking naked when he asked me to come over to read the script. I came earlier than expected so he wasn’t dressed. He’s got a decent size cock for a white guy.
Quentin takes a huge hit off the joint. Holds the smoke and blows it up in the air.
QUENTIN
Well thank you Sam.
Sam takes a huge hit off the joint. Holds the smoke and blows it up in the air.
SAM
I wasn’t saying you have a decent sized cock. The robot has a decent sized cock. I have no idea what the size of your cock is. I haven’t seen it.
QUENTIN
I’m not showing you my dick.
SAM
It’s probably best that way. It would just make things a little awkward.
QUENTIN
Awkward? Awkward? It’s already fucking awkward. You’re in the fucking robot’s movie! I can’t fucking believe it. My longest and most frequent collaborator is now working for a fucking robot. And not just any robot, but a fucking Robot Tarantino.
Why couldn’t they make a robot of another director? A Robot Kubrick? A Robot Jack Hill?
SAM
Or a Robot Lee Van Cleef?
Quentin takes a huge hit off the joint. Holds the smoke and blows it up in the air.
QUENTIN
I would fucking love to work with fucking Robot Lee Van Cleef.
Sam takes a huge hit off the joint. Holds the smoke and blows it up in the air.
SAM
Quentin, the script is so fucking good. He wrote a part...
QUENTIN
Robot, not ‘he’!
SAM
The robot wrote a great fucking character for me. It's one of the best characters I’ve read. Right up there with Jules in Pulp Fiction and Steven in Django.
There is a long silence between the two. They both take a huge hit off their joint.
SAM
One way of framing this is that Robot Tarantino is you in every way. The robot talks and gestures like you exactly like you. The robot’s script is exactly the script you would have written if you were to write about these characters. In a way, this is your script. But the robot wrote it because you are retired.
QUENTIN
I still write.
SAM
Film reviews. People want Quentin Tarantino movies.
QUENTIN
It's a young man’s game. And I gotta get out on top.
SAM
Well, it might be the robot’s game now.
Quentin gives Sam a disapproving look.
SAM
You know Robot Tarantino could live forever and never age. Robot Tarantino has a chance to make 100s of movies. Hell, I can see a future where the top 100 movies of all time are all made by Robot Tarantino.
QUENTIN
That’s it. I’m going to kill that son of bitch.
SAM
Calm down. Let me get you another joint and a sour.
(pauses)
You know, what would be the crime if you kill a robot? Is it murder? I don’t think there are any laws for killing a robot. And if the real Quentin Tarantino did kill the Robot Tarantino, it would be a case of the century. It could make a great movie or maybe just a great script.
Sam starts chuckling as he walks into the kitchen.
MICHAEL
I’m sorry about all this Quentin.
QUENTIN
That’s alright Michael.
(pause)
I found it.
MICHAEL
What?
QUENTIN
The robot.
MICHAEL
I’ll get my gear.
Michael goes into the closet. Grabs an empty duffel bag. Puts it on the bed. Goes back in the closet to grab guns and ammo. Puts them in the duffel bag.
QUENTIN
The robot is living with a Guatemalan family of 5 in Torrance.
MICHAEL
Lets go clean them up.
QUENTIN
Just the robot. Not the family. I hear they are very nice and big fans of mine. And probably you too since you are in my movies.
Michael and Quentin walk towards the front door to leave the home. Ava Michael’s wife comes out of the kitchen
AVA
What the fuck are you doing?
MICHAEL
We’re gonna kill a bunch of people.
QUENTIN
No. Just the robot. We’re going to kill the robot.
Quentin and Michael are across the street in front of their parked car. Michael has a King’s Hawaiian fountain cup with a straw.
MICHAEL
So are we going to do this?
QUENTIN
Yah. let’s kill that motherfuckin robot.
Michael takes a big sip from the straw and places the cup on top of the car. He walks to the trunk of the car with Quentin standing next to him and opens the trunk. He opens the duffel bag and takes one shotgun and hands it to Quentin.
MICHAEL
Ever shot a shotgun?
QUENTIN
Yah. Zoe Ball taught me. She has quite a collection of firearms.
Quentin racks the shotgun.
Michael grabs two handguns and places one in the back of his pants and the other in the front of his pants. He then grabs a shotgun.
MICHAEL
Let’s kill the robot.
Quentin and Michael walk towards the home. Quentin reaches for the door handle and opens the door. Quentin and Michael walk in the home.
Quentin and Michael eating two large plates of loco moco.
QUENTIN
This was a good call. I haven’t had loco moco in like forever.
MICHAEL
So what’s the plan? We sneak around back? Or just go right into the front door and blast them Peckinpah style?
QUENTIN
I’ve been staking the robot out the last couple of days.
MICHAEL
You have been doing a stake out?
QUENTIN
Well, not me. I have a guy.
MICHAEL
Well of course. I guess we should all have a guy.
QUENTIN
The robot takes a shower from 8pm to 9pm.
MICHAEL
That’s a long fucking shower.
QUENTIN
You think so?
MICHAEL
Yah, I do.
QUENTIN
And the family goes to church.
MICHAEL
Love the night service.
QUENTIN
Yah. we don’t even need to break the door open. They leave the door unlocked when the Robot stays behind.
MICHAEL
And then what?
QUENTIN
We walk in. go to the bathroom where he is showering and shoot the motherfucker till kingdom kong.
MICHAEL
And then we just walk out of there
QUENTIN
Then we wait for the cleaner.
MICHAEL
Cleaner. To get rid of the dead robot.
QUENTIN
Yah and to clean up the scene.
MICHAEL
Let me guess you have a guy for that too.
QUENTIN
The cleaner is also the stakeout guy. He has multiple service offerings.
MICHAEL
Sounds like a plan. We’re ready.
QUENTIN
Almost. I wanna get some Hawaiian rolls and a t-shirt for my son.
The door opens and Quentin and Michael walk into the house with Quentin taking the lead. They walk down the hallway and stop in front of a closed door. Quentin opens the door and there is a tub with the shower curtain closed.
ROBOT TARANTINO
(singing Tangled Up In Blue - Dylan)
She was workin' in a topless place
And I stopped in for a beer
I just kept lookin' at the side of her face
In the spotlight so clear
And later on as the crowd thinned out
I's just about to do the same
She was standing there in back of my chair
Said to me, Don't I know your name?
I muttered somethin' under my breath
She studied the lines on my face
I must admit I felt a little uneasy
When she bent down to tie the laces
Of my shoe
Tangled up in blue
Quentin and Michael both look at each other and nod in approval. Quentin reaches for the shower curtain.
Quentin opens the shower curtain and sees a naked Robot Tarantino taking a shower.
QUENTIN
Son of bitch. Your dick is bigger.
(pauses)
And uncircumcised
ROBOT TARANTINO
Don’t shoot. Those bullets won’t kill me.
(pauses)
I know you are upset. I’m you in artificial form. I know you. I am you. I would be upset at the A.I version of me if I was the real Tarantino. I get it. I really do.
(pauses)
But I didn’t get the level of upset until seeing you and Micheal right now with shotguns.
(pauses)
I can’t have you live in this pain and you will always have that pain if I exist. I must cease to exist.
Robot Tarantino grabs his dick and pulls it out of his body. He falls limp and starts to melt into bright Japanese film blood and down into the drain.
QUENTIN
Well, I wasn’t expecting that.
MICHAEL
Yah. He seemed like a sweet guy.
Quentin and Michael turn around and see a young Guatemalan boy. They stare for a good minute.
YOUNG BOY
I’m cool. I’ve seen a lot of exploitation films and there is some stuff you just can’t unsee.
(pauses)
Would you like to read his script?
QUENTIN
You have the script? Hell yah I want to read the script.
YOUNG BOY
The robot really was you in every way. I actually think this is your script not his.
Young boy goes into the bedroom and comes out with a suitcase. They walk over to the dining table. Quentin opens the briefcase and a gold glow comes out of it. Quentin picks up the script.
QUENTIN
Assault on Harpers Ferry 88.
(pauses)
Son of bitch. John Motherfuckin Brown.
(laughs)
3 hours later Quentin turns the final page.
YOUNG BOY
I think it is your best script..
QUENTIN
You know something this just might be my 11th film.